Setting Sail...

9a. Avalon, NJ

Sitting in a cozy chair, soft pj's, warm coffee. Birds. Rain, coming and going, coming and going, the sounds of the neighbors, voices, Jersey accents, doors shutting, and the house waking up. Chilly, but not enough to grab a hoodie or do anything differently, just noticing.

I have a lot to say.

In the last five years, I've only journaled in my pen and paper journal, and that has been fulfilling and wonderful.  There is no internet void because I haven't created a blog, or journaled online.  (Does Instagram count?  Because if it does, then disregard the above.... )

There is no void, anywhere.  There are an abundance of voices, listening, speaking, being heard, being yelled, stomping feet, bended knee. I only hear what I am ready to hear.  So, I sit here, knowing starting this blog may be silly, but I am able to write, I have some words to say, and I will say them best I can.

Who am I?

I am a 36 year old woman, who still feels 16.  I've always felt 16, even at 12. I have no idea what it means to feel adult, except to sit here, being an adult, and thinking maybe that's the whole point.  I still marvel at the fact I can drive a car and my credit score is as high as it is. I was named after the song "Layla" , hence the name of this blog, as my hope is to always talk of love, in every capacity.

May 2016

I am the product of a loving, hilarious mother, a not-so-present father, a beyond-measure amazing adopted father, who left this world in 2012, a caring step-father, a remaining grandfather who is nearing 93 years old, fought in World War II and is a passionate, kind man, an older, drum playing, motorcycle-riding brother, an aunt and two uncles who always make me laugh, and three cousins that I love dearly.  My family is messy, funny, and amazing at doing our best at getting through.

May 2016

I am ridiculously, googly-eyed in love with a tall, freckled, sometimes bearded, brown-eyed, man.  His zeal, enthusiasm, and consistency make me better. His family is small, but never lacking for love, support, good laughs, thoughtful engagement, and I marvel, when we're all together, that that I get to be part of this wonderful group.  We were married on a roof top in our chosen home, Prescott, Arizona, September 8, 2012, with nearly 200 hundred of our best friends and families there to support us.  We danced a hand jive at the end of the night, went home, walked our dog, and fell asleep holding hands. Life is good with him by my side.

I am a skilled professional for work, one of the helping kind, where I often assess blood pressure and pulse, while asking questions about trauma, suicide, substance use histories, and educating each person I come into contact with about how better care for their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies.  I believe in continuing education, being the best nurse I can be, providing thoughtful, considerate care to all those I come into contact with, and working hard so I can play hard.  I have lots of goals for my nursing career, and hope to achieve them mightily in the years ahead.

I am only all of these things because of the gift of my recovery, and because of anonymity, I will just say 12-step rooms saved my life, allow me to show up every day, and enable me to truly trust in a power greater than myself, and live each day just for what it is.  "I have been able to learn of God's love for me only by the experience of my dependence on that love."

What do I love?

Being outside, getting good quality rest, stillness, meditation, prayer, pen-and-paper journaling, reading, coffee, eating healthfully--most often vegan and local, playing frisbee, dancing, hugs in the kitchen--any room in the house really, my best girlfriends, travel, essential oils, music, running, yoga, hiking, make-up tutorials and cat videos (with a weird love of clumsy fail videos) on YouTube, sending memes to Whitney, Stephanie, and Michael, sandalwood mala beads, my beautiful kittens--Sonja and Wayne Rooney, fresh air, self-care, quiet stillness....

I love so much and am so grateful for this big life I live...And, I have some things to say: About infertility, wretched, inconsolable discomfort about not getting what I want, the gift of surrender and reliance on God, family systems theory, trauma, recovery, growth, expansion, yoga, Ayruvedic living, how to suit up, show up, and how that sometimes looks like episode 22 of Show XYZ on a 22 episode binge.

I am all that and then some, tall dark and handsome....I'm beyond your peripheral vision.....All the world is all that I am....I am see-through

I could steal so many lyricists (Thanks Tribe, Ani, Tori, and Alt-J) to voice my story, so I leave to say that I begin my story with my voice.  

And pictures of the Ocean....