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| July 2010 |
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| July 2016 |
On having a body...
Mary Oliver wrote, in her poem, "The Messenger,"
since all ingredients are here,
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes, a mouth with which to give shouts of joy to the moth
and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam, telling them all,
over and over, how it is that we live forever.
I think of these words often. How I have been given a sharp mind, a big heart, and these body clothes. A mouth to give shouts of joy, a mouth to share thoughtful kind words, a mouth to screw up sometimes, and say ridiculous things, a mouth to pray, the Hail Mary, over and over again.
My mind knows how my body looks is irrelevant. My heart knows that the joy I feel today is not dependent to the number of my pant size, the roominess of my waistline, or the digits on the scale. My mouth knows that positive words about my body are going to be more supportive than negative ones.
And, then these pictures happened. Today bottom left, on the beach with my amazing husband. Being back on blogger I am finding all these photos from time in Switzerland 2010 when I blogged regularly. And top left is me, fine form 30 pounds lighter than I am in today's picture. And, I can't say I'm any less happy in the photo in the right. I probably love myself more today than I did in 2010, but you know, six years have gone by and these six years have been formative! My relationship with God is strong, I am grateful for my rich, full, rewarding life, and I have body image issues.
I am at a loss right now on what to do, how to 'fix' this, so I am writing about it, acknowledging the pain I feel in this moment as temporary, and knowing, really, this isn't about 'fixing' anything. I do not want to be negatively impacted by my body. I want to treat my body with reverence and respect. I want to move my body every day in a healthy, supportive way. I want to honor the body-clothes I have been given.
And, in so doing, I am aware there is a difference--in my 30-year old self and in my current 36-year old self. I love taking photos. I love capturing memories and experiences. I've loved this for a long time. I have 20,000 photos on my hard drive at home and I am grateful for each album I've created. Capturing life means so much to me so I am very aware how I'm feeling right now will happen, regularly. As I age, I will notice my youthfulness more readily. Since I've gained weight again, I notice my thinner waist, smaller breasts, fitter arms and legs. I notice my long hair, and how I used to hide behind it, how I thought, how I've always thought, I'm the DUFF.
Dang, even in writing this, I'm feeling regret. I'm mad I'm back here, that I feel this way. I'm angry that a series of photos can remind me of this feeling. I feel sad that the lightness of my own being is evident in black linen pants, a black tank, and 195 pounds, and all I see is the 195 pounds. I am not seeing the amazing clouds on the Atlantic Ocean, the way the water felt on my feet, the way my husband's body felt against mine, or remembering the fun I had with friends on the water.
For today, here is my solution:
Be active
Eat more green foods
Drink loads of water
Oil my body
Notice all my body does for me, all the positive ways it works: digests food, moves with ease, my organ function is pretty spot on!
I scheduled a massage on Tuesday--excellent.
Eat healthy portions tonight at dinner
Body positivity is a movement I get behind, wholeheartedly. I am grateful I know that what I look like in a photo only captures the moment, not the essence of my life. I am so rewarded with body-clothes that change over time, and that something clicked for me 2009 -2011 where I lost 50 pounds and kept it off for a few years. I'm not the heaviest I've been at my current weight, but I am not where I was in 2010, and I know that doesn't mean anything about my worth. The fact I have gained, lost, gained, lost and now gained weight holds not one single dictate of my soul's worth.
I aim to be positive about my body.
Because we end where we begin, "When" by Mary Oliver:
When it’s over, it’s over, and we don’t know
any of us, what happens then.
So I try not to miss anything.
I think, in my whole life, I have never missed
The full moon
or the slipper of its coming back.
Or, a kiss.
Well, yes, especially a kiss.
I am at a loss right now on what to do, how to 'fix' this, so I am writing about it, acknowledging the pain I feel in this moment as temporary, and knowing, really, this isn't about 'fixing' anything. I do not want to be negatively impacted by my body. I want to treat my body with reverence and respect. I want to move my body every day in a healthy, supportive way. I want to honor the body-clothes I have been given.
And, in so doing, I am aware there is a difference--in my 30-year old self and in my current 36-year old self. I love taking photos. I love capturing memories and experiences. I've loved this for a long time. I have 20,000 photos on my hard drive at home and I am grateful for each album I've created. Capturing life means so much to me so I am very aware how I'm feeling right now will happen, regularly. As I age, I will notice my youthfulness more readily. Since I've gained weight again, I notice my thinner waist, smaller breasts, fitter arms and legs. I notice my long hair, and how I used to hide behind it, how I thought, how I've always thought, I'm the DUFF.
Dang, even in writing this, I'm feeling regret. I'm mad I'm back here, that I feel this way. I'm angry that a series of photos can remind me of this feeling. I feel sad that the lightness of my own being is evident in black linen pants, a black tank, and 195 pounds, and all I see is the 195 pounds. I am not seeing the amazing clouds on the Atlantic Ocean, the way the water felt on my feet, the way my husband's body felt against mine, or remembering the fun I had with friends on the water.
For today, here is my solution:
Be active
Eat more green foods
Drink loads of water
Oil my body
Notice all my body does for me, all the positive ways it works: digests food, moves with ease, my organ function is pretty spot on!
I scheduled a massage on Tuesday--excellent.
Eat healthy portions tonight at dinner
Body positivity is a movement I get behind, wholeheartedly. I am grateful I know that what I look like in a photo only captures the moment, not the essence of my life. I am so rewarded with body-clothes that change over time, and that something clicked for me 2009 -2011 where I lost 50 pounds and kept it off for a few years. I'm not the heaviest I've been at my current weight, but I am not where I was in 2010, and I know that doesn't mean anything about my worth. The fact I have gained, lost, gained, lost and now gained weight holds not one single dictate of my soul's worth.
I aim to be positive about my body.
Because we end where we begin, "When" by Mary Oliver:
When it’s over, it’s over, and we don’t know
any of us, what happens then.
So I try not to miss anything.
I think, in my whole life, I have never missed
The full moon
or the slipper of its coming back.
Or, a kiss.
Well, yes, especially a kiss.
Oh LAYLA. You are speaking to my heart with this blog, as you so often do with your thoughts. I love you for your honesty, and for your strength and ability to see the sun through the clouds. Thank you for this. And for blogging again!
ReplyDelete^^^^^ YES!!! All of that... I couldn't have said it better myself.
DeleteThank you so much ladies!!! 😍😍
ReplyDelete