On Hate...

8a: Avalon, NJ

Hate, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is

a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

b : extreme dislike or antipathy

In the last year I was noticing how often I used the word "hate" in my every day speech. "I hate that..." "I hate this..." It was making me uncomfortable, noticing how often I was using the word to describe messes on the kitchen counter, difficult situations at work, or when my clothes weren't fitting properly. Mundane elements of daily living, and I was describing it with "intense hostility and aversion, derived from fear and anger." Well, isn't that the case, that often any strong feelings I have are usually rooted in fear. I'm afraid of messes because it somehow means I am not measuring up in the big, grand scheme of comparing myself to others. I am afraid when work is difficult because at the root, if I lose my job, how will I provide, and be provided for? I'm afraid when my clothes are getting snug because it means I'm somehow failing at self-care, that I am somehow not honoring my worth, that a larger size some how means worthlessness and defeat. 

Fear and hate go so well together. They are two emotions rooted in uncertainty so they feed off one another. When I'm afraid, I will turn my attention toward disliking what I believe to be the source of my fear--often unrealistically so, dramatized ideas that what I'm afraid of is actually a "thing," when really fear is usually about not getting what I think I should be getting or losing what I think I have in my grasp. 

So, I started challenging the word "hate" in my daily language. I asked friends to hold me accountable when they heard that word coming from my mouth. I've changed my language. I do not want to speak of hate. This isn't to say there aren't things I dislike extremely: fruit and chocolate together, the disease of addiction, social injustices, political discourse that quickly turns negative and critical, and people acting out hatefully. 

I can easily list things that cause me to feel dislike and antipathy. The solution, though, isn't to find the list and expand upon it. The solution, for me, is to be aware of the list, and pay attention to my initial emotional reaction, often stemming from fear, and then pause. In pausing, I remember where my Strength comes from. I am reminded of a Power greater than myself, and I am relieved in challenging moments. In awareness, I am then empowered. Awareness allows me to cultivate peace and serenity. I do not want to be governed by extreme dislike. I want to know what extreme dislike does to my body, my heart rate, my breathing, my arm pits, my hands. I want to be empowered by the taste of dislike in my mouth and the way it feels in the base of my throat, so I know that acting out in hate is unacceptable to me. The sensation of hate is not soul-fuel. 

Love, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is 

a: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

b: an assurance of affection, warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 

I can easily define love. I know what it tastes like on my tongue, smells like in the back of my throat, feels like in my belly and behind my eyes. I know how my chest swells, rising in adoration and joy. Love feels differently than hate. I easily list the people, places, and things I love, and am aware I do not act out against those things, like I can when I start listing things I hate. 

I do not know what the solution is when people riot, when black men are killed by police officers, when police officers are killed by snipers and rioters, when there is so much hate, anger, and fear, when social and news media post videos of personal trauma like click bate, encouraging us to watch people die. 

I only know the solution for myself: 

Write. 

Change my language from one of hate to one of love. 

Read words from people I trust, thinkers, philosophers, persons of Faith, that remind me how to sit in discomfort with Grace, and how to transform fear into love with positive, thoughtful action, empathy, and peace. 

Be of Faith myself: More prayer and more meditation. 

Remove myself from news sources that instigate fear in my body, mind, and spirit. 

I am only one person. I am sitting here, on holiday on the Jersey Shore, incredibly sad, feeling powerless and afraid. I know it is unrealistic to presume peace in our world, but gosh, how eager I am to be part of the path to peace, to show more love to be of love (a little) more careful than of anything.   

the beginning lines of a poem by ee cummings